Sunday, September 20, 2009

Should Haves and Pitchforks

I should have written about the open-air concert I went to and loved.
I should have written about the theater festival that absolutely charmed me and made me want to be a tight rope walker.

I should have written about my first day in the new school.

I know I really should have, but I just can’t seem to get it out.

I’ve had a little something the pros call writers block. I’ve typed up an entry for each of the ‘should haves’ listed above, but none of them were any good. They all tanked and I don’t want to try and improve them, but to move on. I might get around to the first day of school one, but don’t get your hopes up.

So now, moving on:

Yesterday I was bored out of my mind. I had plans to meet my friend, but she got locked into her house (yes into) and was trapped all day so I had nothing to do. I decided to go out with Rhonia (the dog) so I grabbed my sweater and my shoes and we set off. We hadn’t gone far when we reached the fields that are usually empty, but today there was a farmer in some machine plowing away. Rhonia saw him and shot off like a bullet behind said farmer, jumping behind, in front, and just all around this man and the machine. I’m yelling as loud as I can ‘RHONIA NIEN! RHONIA KOMST!’ but of course she hasn’t a care in the world for what I’m saying. She stops beside the field on the grass and does the motion like she’s about to drop one, but right as she’s about to go the tractor comes by and scares her, so no poop.

She finally comes back and I hook her with the leash which she absolutely loathes. I plan to continue on past the farmer and then let her run wild again, but the farmer had other plans. I’m walking by trying to pretend there is no farmer, but with him yelling at me my imagination wasn’t quite powerful enough to erase his existence. So I stop to try and understand what he’s saying, but it’s in fast angry Swiss German. I’ve got no chance. The only word I can understand is ‘hund’ which means dog, but when I try to tell him “Ich spreche nur ein bischin duetch, Ich spreche english” he completely ignores me. He just keeps going on, and on, and ooonnnnn.

After about a minute of this I figure out he is referring to Rhonia’s poop stance. He thinks I’m trying to ditch the dump, but I was pretty positive she didn’t actually go. This is when I decide evasive action would be the smartest thing to do in this situation. I pull the leash tight and start fast-walking back the way we came, but we weren’t alone. Farmer man is chugging along right beside us. I glance over his way and I swear if his eyes had hands they'd be holding pitchforks. I walk faster. But then he’s shouting in German again so I risk another glance and he’s pointing at the grass in the area where Rhonia did the squat down.

At this point I’m freaking out. I’m thinking she must have actually gone, I don’t have any bags with me, am I seriously going to have to carry a bare handful of dog crap home? I walk towards the spot like I’m walking the plank, but when I get there I don’t see any poop. I look around, but there’s nothing. The farmer starts plowing again, but he twists around in his chair so he can follow my every move with his livid little eyes. I desperately search, but after no results I conclude Rhonia held it. For the farmer’s sake, who was still watching unblinkingly, I leaned down and pretended to pick something up. Then with hands feces-free I rushed out of there like I had just seen Rupert Grint in the distance.

And I didn’t look back.


Jen said...

oh, I love you and your blog. Good fake with the poop.

Hailey said...

haha thanks I think it just shows how well I do in high-stress situations :)

Julz said...

I havent laughed so hard in at least 2 days! You are hillarious and amazing and I am jeleous!

Kevin said...

Ahhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!! I know the exact look you were giving that farmer when he was freaking out on you! I can just see the "puss in boots" look while trying to explain that you only speak High German! AHhhhhHahahahahahaha! I miss you kiddo!