Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My Amulek

If you don't know who Amulek is, don't worry, it's just your spiritual well-being that is seriously at stake. Amulek is a man from the book of mormon, I'll explain.

February was a bad month for me. My exchange year is like that, up and down, a good time and a not so good time. (If you remember November) January was the BEST month, but February was a foul month, reeking with depression and lonliness. I was just miserable, really really miserable. School tore me down everyday and only the hours I had afterward with my host family were enough to build me back up, and even then it wasn't always enough. I lost more and more of myself every day. My energy, my ability to control my eating, any desire to socialize. All that jazz was shot.

I was in a pretty deep hole. My good friend went home to New Zeland at the end of January and my other good friend was too busy for me. The no friend thing was pretty painful, because at home I always had Leah. It was so easy to find something to do with her since we hardly ever seperated, but here it was a struggle to find things to do on the weekend. Well things that didn't involve clubbing or partying, two things which have no talent for. I think I was born without the "party-girl" gene. The lonliness was eating me away.

Every night I read my scriptures and this particular night I was really studying what I was reading. It was the story of Alma preaching repentance in Ammonihah and having the door slammed in his face over and over. He was tired and discouraged by the people's rejection and he left the city, but the Lord commanded him to go back. And once he returned he was recieved by Amulek who took him in, fed him, and gave him a place to sleep. He became Alma's companion and after that accompanied him to help share the message of the Lord.

After I read this my heart lifted. If Alma could recieve such a friend from the Lord why couldn't I? I prayed and prayed to be sent my own Amulek to help pull me out of the hole I was in and rid me of my lonliness. My prayer was answered, but not in the way I'd thought it would be. My Amulek is not a person. No one came in to pull me out of that hole, I've been climbing out myself. My Amulek is excersise.

After that night there was a day in school that really pushed me to my limits. In my head I just kept thinking I'm falling apart, I've reached my breaking point, and no one even realizes it. I was convinced I couldn't stand another hour in school, but then I had sport. The change that came over me was astounding. I was laughing, laughing! Cracking jokes and enjoying myself. I connected the dots and figured out that when I excersised it was so much easier to be happy.

Excersising however, is not really my thing. Jogging to me sounds more like a torture sentence, but the way I felt during that sport class made me realize it would be more than worth it. So the next morning I got up and jogged. Once again it was like I was a whole new person. Little things didn't make me want to explode. I could relax a bit. The next day I didn't go and it was right back to depressed and unhappy.

This last week I started trying to jog on the days that I don't have sport in school, but I wasn't perfect and when I missed a day I could feel it. I need those endorphins, I'm an addict. It would be so much easier though if I picked a drug that only entailed sniffing something up my nose instead of having to thrust my feet into sneakers. Dang druggies. They don't even know how easy they got it.

Also I'd like to say thank you to everyone who sent me encouraging emails, it really meant a lot to me. If I haven't replied to you yet it's not because I'm ignoring you. I promise you'll hear from me, I'm just a slow replier!


Jen said...

You continue to amaze me... I hope my daughters are as strong as you are!

stacy said...

i love you and i'm so glad that you have been able to find a way to pull yourself out of this funk. you are such a great girl with amazing insite. WOW!

Crissybug said...

You probably don't know me too well, but I am in your ward back home. Your mom had told me you had a blog, and I have just been hiding here in the shadows watching/reading your journey. I just want to tell ya that your strength and determination is inspiring. Hang in there, and enjoy jogging!

Julz said...

I was actually glad that your story didnt end with some amazing new friend waltzing into your life, it just doesnt work that way most of the time! I think Heavenly Father wants us to work a bit for our answers. And I agree running can clear your head and your emotions, try running out side somewhere pretty, with hymns playing on your Ipod, it's good for your soul! Love you!

Jody said...

I think it's amazing how good excercise can make you feel...even when you truly are sick. (I speak from experience ;) It's so much more powerful than any drug you could take. Hailey, you're such a strong soul and even though the lonliness can be tough, it can never be pounded into our heads more than He will never give you anything you can't handle. It seems like He does sometimes (again, from experience) but you have WAY too many people who love and care for you. Stay strong, absorb that European atmosphere as much as you can (minus the clubbing & crap) keep us updated with those gorgeous pictures! (you know your mother is going to want some beautiful landscape pictures to play with when you get home! :)

Merri said...

I haven’t wanted to comment, I don’t know how to say,…I can feel your worth, priceless your strength, limitless. I know that there is a grand plan for you my darling! I love you!
You can do it!

chelsea rebecca said...

i hope march is better than February! and i'm with you, running is no fun but you feel so refreshed and wonderful afterwards.
i absolutely adore your honesty!

Adam - Janet - Owen - Caroline said...

I know exactly how you feel. Why?! because I am the same way. If i don't run or workout of some sort I feel just like you have felt the last little while. Hoooray you found your own little Amulek. Keep going and stay strong!

Crystal said...

You probably don't remember me...I am an old high school friend of your mom's- I guess your dad's too, for that matter, anyway... I have been reading your blog and was so touched by your story of your Amulek. I was wondering if it would be ok with you if I used your story in my Relief Society lesson on prayer next month. Thanks for the wonderful example you are to others.

Hailey said...

Thanks everyone! And Crystal I do remember you and YES! I'm flattered that you would like to use it.

Crystal said...

Thanks, Hailey! (Glad you remember me.) :~)