Monday, September 24, 2012

Broken.

Today was a rough day.

I sat in an empty chapel and cried tears onto my tights. Very melodramatic-I'm aware, but heart felt nonetheless. 

For weeks now I have been at a crisis of self. Seemingly an endless one.

And today I was convinced  I was imploding.

Like my insides were getting so full of stress and sadness, disappointment and discouragement that they there were literally going to burst within me, literally explode inside of me and the only thing remaining would be the empty shell of my former self.

So I retreated to a quiet place where I could internally destruct alone and conveniently (I do live in Rexburg) a Mormon church was in the vicinity and unlocked. So there I entered and collapsed in the pews.

With light shining through the windows and a quiet peace in the chapel I felt my soul calling out to its maker- My God and My Father. I knew it was time the two of us had a serious reckoning.

As I sat there in that pew, in a chapel all to myself, I faced the most terrible and depressing truth.

That I am a disappointment.

Which broke my heart.

The phrase from scripture (or something like this) 'offer up a a broken heart and a contrite spirit' came to my mind and even though I couldn't remember exactly what a contrite spirit was, I looked up into heaven anyway and told God he could have it.

My heart is broken, I said, it's yours. I am brought to me knees by my failure and shortcomings, and I need you to fix me. Lift me from where I've fallen Lord. Take my broken heart and heal it please. Help me God to regain the Hailey I used to be. 

As tears darkened my tights in spot after spot and water wet tissue after tissue I felt my shame. That to the God who blessed me with much, to him could I return nothing, nothing except my broken heart -crushed by the weight of life.

And yet, simultaneously I knew that despite my failure, Jesus would come to this earth even if it was just for me. To shine his eternal and flawless compassion upon my incredibly flawed being.

It was a rough day.

Really rough.

But to recognize the Savior, not as some mythical being, but as my brother was worth it. __________________________

Normally I wouldn't post this because it's religious, and personal, and shows that I'm a failure with a dwindling testimony, but screw it.

"Only God can judge me, I don't need a jury". -Little Wayne.

3 comments:

stacy said...

ok just incase that last comment that i made made it through...don't read it!!! it was on my phone and there was a lot wrong with it!!!!

i love you hailey and want you to know that you are right!!!! you are not the same hailey! you can't be! heavenly father has amazing things in store for you and that beautiful heart of yours and it would be impossible for you to experience those amazing things without experience and growth and that means that there will be pain, confussion, self doubt,an occational detour,change (which i hate the most) etc.... look at what a special girl you are to remember that there is always someone to turn to and to know just who that is and where you can go to feel close to him. you have a relationship with your savior.

you are NOT a disappointment, life is hard and long and beautiful and there is no such thing as perfection. i think we all set out with goals in mind...even the most rightous goals have twists and turns. you are not failing, you are GROWING!!!

i hope you can find peace for that heart of yours and SOON!

i love you!

JC Cox said...

There are only a few things in life that are truly and uniquely ours - and our struggles are most definitely among them. Fortunately, every struggle comes with an accompanying blessing to allow us to endure, overcome, and triumph. This in turn prepares us for future trials. This is the true circle of life - don't let Mufasa tell you otherwise. It is painful and difficult. Sometimes in life, just going through the motions of what we know we should be doing is a tremendous accomplishment. It shows that even though we are struggling with doubt, lonliness, hopelessness, or whatever it may be, we have enough faith to keep moving. Take comfort in how much you are loved by so many. There are countless prayers being offered on your behalf. You are an amazing woman who has done amazing things in the face of unbelievable difficulty. Draw on your past experiences and remember when you have overcome. The fact that you are struggling doesn't make you any less wonderful and amazing. We "see through the glass darkly" in life, but the Lord sees everything perfectly. He knows you. He knows where you are. He knows where you want to be. And, most importantly, He knows where He needs you to be. We are the clay, and He is the master sculptor - you are being molded and changed, and that is hard and painful. Hailey, Mom and I love you, and we are so proud you; and we always will be. -Dad

Jessica said...

thanks for sharing & being honest.