I sat in an empty chapel and cried tears onto my tights. Very melodramatic-I'm aware, but heart felt nonetheless.
For weeks now I have been at a crisis of self. Seemingly an endless one.
And today I was convinced I was imploding.
Like my insides were getting so full of stress and sadness, disappointment and discouragement that they there were literally going to burst within me, literally explode inside of me and the only thing remaining would be the empty shell of my former self.
So I retreated to a quiet place where I could internally destruct alone and conveniently (I do live in Rexburg) a Mormon church was in the vicinity and unlocked. So there I entered and collapsed in the pews.
With light shining through the windows and a quiet peace in the chapel I felt my soul calling out to its maker- My God and My Father. I knew it was time the two of us had a serious reckoning.
As I sat there in that pew, in a chapel all to myself, I faced the most terrible and depressing truth.
That I am a disappointment.
Which broke my heart.
The phrase from scripture (or something like this) 'offer up a a broken heart and a contrite spirit' came to my mind and even though I couldn't remember exactly what a contrite spirit was, I looked up into heaven anyway and told God he could have it.
My heart is broken, I said, it's yours. I am brought to me knees by my failure and shortcomings, and I need you to fix me. Lift me from where I've fallen Lord. Take my broken heart and heal it please. Help me God to regain the Hailey I used to be.
As tears darkened my tights in spot after spot and water wet tissue after tissue I felt my shame. That to the God who blessed me with much, to him could I return nothing, nothing except my broken heart -crushed by the weight of life.
And yet, simultaneously I knew that despite my failure, Jesus would come to this earth even if it was just for me. To shine his eternal and flawless compassion upon my incredibly flawed being.
It was a rough day.
But to recognize the Savior, not as some mythical being, but as my brother was worth it. __________________________
Normally I wouldn't post this because it's religious, and personal, and shows that I'm a failure with a dwindling testimony, but screw it.
"Only God can judge me, I don't need a jury". -Little Wayne.