Thursday, February 6, 2014

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

In honor of the Walking Dead returning this Sunday, I thought I'd give you my top 9 tips for surviving a zombie apocalypse, complete with photo examples of what not to do.

1. DO NOT pose for pictures with zombies. DON'T DO IT. You may think 'posing with a zombie, that will make a great new profile picture!' But trust me, you won't have a chance to post it because you'll be dead... or undead. Either way, it won't make it to social media.

2. DO NOT attend zombie functions. No one there will be interested in buying you a drink or taking you home for some romance. The only thing people will be interested in at a zombie function IS EATING YOU. No matter how many invites you get, DO NOT GO!

3.  DO NOT hire zombies. They may be cheap labor, but when they go on strike they won't just shut your business down for a few weeks, they will eat you and your family. PAY FOR LIVING EMPLOYEES, it'll be worth it.

4. DO NOT provide dental care to zombies. I promise you they don't have insurance and instead of paying, they'll take a chunk of your hand when you attempt to scrape out the plaque. REFUSE SERVICE TO ZOMBIES.

5.  DO NOT HELP zombie children. They may try to tell you they're lost and can't find their parents, but what they really are is hungry, HUNGRY FOR YOUR FLESH. So if a zombie child approaches you, just speed walk away.

6. DO NOT give zombies back massages. When you finish their massage and lay down for your turn THEY WILL BITE YOU FROM BEHIND. Meaning they got a free massage and dinner all in one and all you got was turned into a walker.

7. DO NOT help zombies with their makeup. They may compliment your style and claim all they want is their eyebrows filled and a nice natural blush BUT IT'S A LIE. As soon as your hands get close enough to their mouths they'll strike and thanks to you, humanity will be down one more.

8. DO NOT cuddle with zombies. Perhaps you're watching DVDs alone in your house because your entire family got eaten and you look outside to see a zombie wandering your yard. The loneliness may be unbearable, but is un-death preferable? No. So buck up buster and don't invite it in.

9. DO NOT kiss a zombie. It is a sure-fire way to become a zombie yourself. Plus that zombie HAS BEEN EATING HUMAN FLESH, talk about halitosis. Gross.

If you follow these tips, I'll see you at the sanctuary. Enjoy the Walking Dead on Sunday! (it's on A&E at 9/8 central I believe)

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